But why are we okay?
I think, that the secret to going 4 years strong and hopefully not jinxing it is simple.
We love each-other. All of each-other. We embrace that we’re human, and we evolve with each-other in tandem.
Being married has given us both freedom. And so much love. And that’s why we’re strong.
Here’s to infinity.
Are in my notes app.
Mini meltdowns and overload of thoughts generally = focus and plans in the aftermath. I guess I’ve honed the skill of turning breakdowns into something useful over the years. The overwhelmingly trapped feeling gives way to “fuck it, I’m going to do some stuff, and I’m going to write it down so I KNOW”. So, that’s that. March and April seems to be the time that happens for me, lately. I don’t know why exactly, but I’d be willing to bet that the sudden feeling of living in a perpetual winter or perpetual deadness (no leafs or flowers get old) has something to do with it. Growing up in perpetual spring and summer makes the never-ending winter scary I think. I never know when to put coats away, or when it’ll stop being monochromatic. I know there’s green in June, but any time before that is sketchy and does weird things to my psyche.
Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.
I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.
I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.
I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.
I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.
I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).
Make it so.
I took the week off of face stuff last week, and gave my skin a rest. Also, I was tired of poking my eyes so frequently (and I was hoping for the acne to quell). A friend of mine recommended some Sea Buckthorn oil, and while I was at whole foods over the weekend (to find ingredients for epic pork wellington)I thought I’d look in their oils/skin care/body section for Sea Buckthorn.
I tested the oil sample, and upon arriving home found that it did actually seem to help my skin – this awful cat scratch finally started healing and my breakout started to diminish. I ended up buying Sea Buckthorn Cream Body Wash – and used that on my face and skin today, and it was wonderful!
I love having a natural go-to for skin care, and I found one that really seems to work – especially for acne prone oily faces like mine. Almost like the lemon-honey toning mixture I made, and they work in tandem well. I’m hoping that I’m not just like super excited, but my face does seem clearer and more even. Also, it comes from citrus, which is great and reminds me a little bit of Florida, where I grew up and makes me happy. Tropical fruits ftw!
For the next 4 weeks I’ll be doing a tone up with another friend of mine and you can follow along by watching her blog or my tumblr. MWF are my Sculpting days, and TTS are my Cardio with a rest or whatever-i-wanna-do on a Sunday, which most likely still involves lots of walking. I’m using Fitocracy to carry my workout details, and my fitblr for steps/cardio/cals etc. I’m doing my days opposite Kahleesi for funs.
I might do more than one outfit post this week, depending on how I feel, because I just put together this wicked adorbs outfit with leather shorts and I feel like a super hero, I just have to apply makeup to go-with. It’s been ridiculously cold, so if I can stay in my warm pj’s, I have; which isn’t conducive to makeup.
I have been making a new list for this year, because my birthday is next week. I don’t think I’m going to come up with 22 unless I can come up with them naturally. I pushed for 21 last year and it was less fun that way. I have 18 things right now, I think, and I’m excited about all of them. We’ll see how well I do. I’ve done all but 2 or 3 from last year – some intentional, because some of those (like intrinsic value) are more of a life journey than something that can be achieved in a year, and others because of filming continuity (no piercings or tattoos yet).
I will watch some tutorials on HOW TO APPLY EYELINER WITHOUT POKING YOUR EYES OUT WITH EYELINER because that gets old, and I did that like 3 times while getting ready for our Valentines dinner at the Sea Grass Bistro – where I had foodgasms for the first time and it rocked my world.
Lamb chop with mint infused honey felt like a hug on my tongue. No idea that could happen.
I need to do some more cleaning – and sweep my floors because borked roomba is borked and having work space for stuff helps. But I’m strangely lacking the motivation as I’m on a bit of a WoW kick and leveling quicker than I have in a while – admittedly, all of twice, but I’m almost 87 and I only got to 86 a day or two ago, so that’s getting me closer to my goal of hitting cap.
I lived in a rigid world with rigid language. Words like evolve and evolution were almost taboo and never spoken except in reference to something bad (or the theory, which was also bad). The act of evolving was treated with disdain when it was obvious. The word fascinates, resonates with me – it always has. Evolve – the gradual growth and change. The word itself rocks rigidity, rocks the mindset and the world; it’s no wonder it was practically shunned – that I was scared to breathe it until after adulthood without feeling the need to caveat.
Still, as I mused at 3:30 this morning, if there was one word that described all of me – my values, my personality, my goals – it would be evolve. I don’t want to stop growing in my 20′s; to remain stagnant for the rest of my existence. What is existence if there’s no evolution? If we’re not changing and growing and learning? If we resign ourselves to staying the same, shunning any personal change, how does that make us better? wiser? experienced?
To me, the integral part of my existence is the ability to evolve and continue evolving. To learn, to change, to strive. I survived by suppression, by trying not to change – I didn’t start living, no, thriving, until I allowed myself to grow, to gradually change, and embrace that this is what my humanity means to me.