Time

I feel guilty because right now I’m not trading my time for money. Which on bad days makes me feel like I’m just a leech, and on really good days makes me feel incredibly free and useful.

I’m using my time to be productive, learn, and establish myself. Which are all good things, and smart things and lucky things to have time and the (saved) income for…I’m setting up my fake empire and doing all these things at 21 is pretty good. Still, watching people who have less time than I do because of working makes me feel guilty for having so much of it and having so little to show for it. At least, it feels that way.

So, I focus and I do things, and I do a lot of things. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m learning, and setting myself up, and that’s a good use of time. I think.

The most valuable thing is time

(artist unknown?)

I’m human

Dinner Day 3:

Mcdonalds’ side salad with italian dressing and a bite of a home-made whoopie pie (and one sip of Dr Pepper). Totally not on the plan, but this girl made it and it was good, and the salad was the best I could do under the circumstances. I’m also drinking lightly sweetened tea because I ran out of water before we got to the game place at 6:15 – we left at 10:15 and got home 10 minutes ago.

My tummy feels a little weird now, I think a mix between being cold/wet and the burst of sugar.

But that’s okay. Because I weighed the choices and I don’t feel guilty about it. I’ve had a back-up plan to fall back to normalcy if I feel like I need to (because I never know if I’m eating enough, because I eat less than everyone I know).  So taking a bite of a home-made cookie, and a sip of soda (because MY GOD italian dressing is way spicier than I thought), and eating more salad dressing than I have all week isn’t going to ruin me, or the cleanse, because it’s about being better not perfect. Stronger, not inflexible.

I’m free to re-evaluate at any time, but I think I’m going to stick it out for as long as I can. I get bananas tomorrow, and soup, and then meat! ha.

EDIT: I just drank a ton of water, tummy is less weird now, but I feel like a bubble.

hm

Switched bags for tonight and my trip tomorrow. I plan on filming a segment, if not an entire special episode for next week while I’m off adventuring. Both at the Avenger’s midnight premier and in Boston before/after The Nerdist Podcast.

I need to sleep more, but I just got my hair all perfect for going to the game thing tonight so I don’t want to lay on it. Also, I’m way too excited (and woke up way too early) about the next 36 hours. I can always sleep on the train, and sleep until I need to get ready to leave tomorrow.

I was having a hard time not feeling guilty all week because life happened and ruined my plans of finishing badges, Mass Effect 3, and starting on a new painting set – but it supplemented it with better things, so I shouldn’t feel bad right? For some reason, when I write things down and say “I’m going to get this done this week” I feel bad when I don’t. Which is good, I guess, but I shouldn’t let it get to me to the point where I stress about it because there are more fun things to do but I told myself I’d do X, Y, and Z instead.

art journal

It’s weird sometimes, how one different decision can affect your general…I don’t know, decision-making-outlook for a brief time (or longer). Like, deciding to go to the game night instead of turning it down – one unusual decision lead to, hey, you know if I really wanted to, I COULD go to Boston. Another, even more unusual decision. And then doing that.

Making unusual decisions is really scary, but it’s the good kind of scary, it’s the scary that makes you feel like you’re alive and actively involved in your life instead of passively. Unusual decisions lead to new experiences and adventures, which fit well with my word and my 21 things. I wanted to be more social, and do something that scares me and making unusual decisions (or decisions that I don’t generally make in favor of staying in my comfort zone) allow me to do that.

21 Things

I should be menu planning

but instead, I’m writing, because I need to and I can’t find food until my brain spills it’s thoughts. Weirdness.

I got to part three of The Nerdist Way and I need to talk now.

The last few days I’ve been in a funk, not weird for me I guess, but I had several really really good days when I felt awesome and I was the warden of my brain and not it’s overtired prisoner. Hardwick talks about how our brains just sort of set to autopilot, and I can finally pick up when that happens (today and yesterday, for instance) because when I control it I’m so. much. happier and I feel so much more alive. The problem I’m having today is getting out of the tired funk induced autopilot and getting back into the captains chair, because it’s more fun there and I swear, the sky is brighter and the air smells better. I took today “off” and decided to just read. Here’s hoping tomorrow is brighter and less sleepy-coma-y.

I did one thing that started getting the happy hormones to my fuzzy brain – I filled in some of my progress in my progress bars in my Character Tome, and also, I reached level two in my life bar.

Brain is better now, hitting the books…

Art Journaling

I’ve wanted to be an art journaler for a long time, but every time I started I’d stop. I think it was because subconsciously I never really felt good enough. I loved other people’s art journals – in books, with loads of paint, or collages. But I’ve never really been able to do that (I can’t bring myself to write in books) and I wanted my journal to look cool too, so I sort of just got hung up.

The Art Journal: prompt 1

A few days ago, I discovered The Art Journaler and their April prompt which somehow made it okay. Then, yesterday, I was hunting down a letter to tape to my journal-journal with another letter and I stumbled across some of my old notebooks from 2009 on. As I flipped through them, with the rambled notes and illustrations in the corner I realized, I’d been art journaling before I even realized I was an artist. And it wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t collage-y or dedicated (I had business ideas, math, sermon notes, and random marriage notes in with my thoughts) it was mine – and my art has improved a lot since then.

Late Night art #taj #norules

Which somehow made me realize something. It’s just a journal, and I don’t have to compare it and it doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s and it doesn’t have to be worthy, because it already is, because it’s mine. So lately, I’ve been toting around my pentalic recycled drawing book that I got on vacation last summer, and my sign pen markers I got for christmas; and drawing, coloring, and writing whatever prompts me, whatever thoughts I have in my head, and whatever I feel like I need to get down before I lose it.

Art journal

If it’s particularly lengthy though, I have my shiny “live free” notebook my sister-in-law gave me for christmas that I’ve turned into my journal-journal. Pretty notebooks make good journals.

wish #wish #taj #norules