Tag Archives: learning

Change

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Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.

I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.

I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.

I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.

I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.

I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).

Make it so.

 

All dressed up and nowhere to go

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Usually I’d actually apply makeup before doing this, but I was (ironically enough) going to lunch (and woke up at 12 something because I could, and I wanted to spend as much time not moving as possible due to muscle strain). Anyway, this is my cute blurry picture.

Cardigan: Forever 21 $6 (on sale/clearance), Jeans: Aeropostale’s Skinny/Curvey (I got them on sale too), Shoes: Converse, Shirt: Switchfoot concert $20, Headband: Claire’s – came in a pack.

 

fails

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This blog is not by any means a place for expert advice, at best it’s the general wanderings and musings and evolution of “the process” – my process, a process, some kind of process; inexperienced me attempting to get somewhere and hopefully be better at it. Posts change with moods and whims because my interests change and vary – it’s a weird thing about my personality. Sometimes, when I feel I’m making progress and then something happens where I feel like I’ve gone backwards I take it pretty hard.

I made a ton of progress with my face over the last few weeks. Actually my skin was clearing up and evening out, and acne was going away. All the things I should have learned and done years ago. Then I started breaking out again – I didn’t know why, and then I realized that the only thing I changed was adding moisturizer. I stayed away from it forever because I have very active oil glands – but I thought I should get some because of all the stripping of oils I was doing. I felt really sad about it, strangely enough. Because I’ve never seen my skin clear that way and I almost panicked. It’s easier to apply makeup when I’m not battling acne and acne scars.

So, I remembered something else that I overlooked – I wasn’t drinking a ton of water. Usually, I have an okay water intake, but sometimes in the winter I forget about water and opt for tea because it’s warm and I’m usually just trying to keep my fingers at body temperature. I decided a few days ago to re-up my water intake and see if it helped. Surprisingly enough, between drinking close to 40 oz. of water a day (there should be more, I know) and giving my skin a break and *not* applying moisturizer, it’s starting to calm down again.

I guess all I wanted to say was, I LEARNED A THING! Water really does help clear up skin. Water, and lemon-honey mixture on the face. Apparently moisturizer however, does not agree with my lebanese/portuguese skin type.

Week in Review

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I’ve never felt the need to wear makeup, and only applied it rarely – usually focusing on eyes, because no one kisses my eyelids. I think some of it was because I was given the ability to wear makeup when I was 13 and just never had the desire. It was one of those things where it was available, I felt, to cover up the imperfections on my face and serve as a mask to hide the things that I should be ashamed of (or at least feel the need to hide). I subscribed to the reasoning that if people didn’t like me because I didn’t wear makeup or cover my acne, then I didn’t really want to be friends with them anyway. So I didn’t put any effort into either skin care or makeup. When I did start to wear makeup, at 17, it was because I felt the need for a mask – psychologically, makeup presented that option. So for much of my life I’ve equated the frequent wearing of makeup to wearing a mask. In a way, with filming that’s still true – but I never saw the creativity in it, just a barrier to hide imperfections or flaws behind.

The last week has shaken that theory. Instead of building a psychological wall, the face is just another kind of canvas – and makeup just another kind of medium. Over the week I’ve done lots of crazy shit with my face. I did this kind of heavy winged look with eyeshadow (which is sort of becoming my paint of choice, as I had no idea how versatile it could be with just adding a little bit of water to the brush), made designs and played with various kinds of eyeliner. I have black and sparkle pen, pencil and liquid eyeliner, and a purple cream eyeliner. I learned Tuesday, that my lines are straighter when I use cream eyeliner as opposed to the other kinds. I think it’s because it’s harder to move, so I can take my time on it and it won’t squiggle as much – I could however, do with the brush being less pokey.

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purple

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Today’s makeup is purple because I wanted to play with my plum eyeliner. Cream eyeliner is hard to get used to at first – mostly just the brush, but I’m actually better at putting that on than all the other kinds I’ve tried/have – so that’s good news. When I was done with everything I powdered my face with elf’s high definition powder, and I think it’s going to be a staple for Hendstrom because it really does smooth everything out.