I did the bare minimum of things today. Nothing really seemed to go right and I couldn’t get out of my head. Hormones and PTSD are starting to get to me and I just want to hide and snuggle and maybe pig out on chocolate.
So right now I’m drinking snapple, watching cartoons, and have chocolate covered raisins, oreos, and chips within my reach. I’m finding myself lacking in motivation for WoW and just getting frustrated with the lack of being able to fly. I should play dragon age II, but I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of handling the storyline (which is my favorite part of the game), light stuff is on the menu for me.
I hate how I am when I’m like this. Snappy and frustrated and nothing seems to fix it.
I’m in a weird place. My support group has sort of eroded and I’m standing in the middle between a place I want to be and being sad because I feel like I’ve lost most of the people who’ve really helped me over the last few years.
Truth is, I’ve moved on. I’m not completely done baking, but my needs are changing, my heart is beating and I’m ready to find myself in the world again.
Most of my support group have moved on too, just in different ways. Many of the childless couples I met – the first childless couples I met after being married – are no longer childless, and others are looking forward to not staying childless. We’re all sort of moving on to new journeys and I feel distant and sad. I’m moving in a different direction – I can’t join them, and I honestly don’t want to – but I feel bad because of how vehemently I react inside. I don’t know if it’s normal because I don’t know many (any?) couples who don’t want children as strongly as I.
But this is life, I suppose. I’m told there are couples like us, who grow old and never have children because they find fulfillment in living life sans crypods, but I don’t really know where to find them. My circle, my support group, my friends who helped me realize that it was okay to find myself and healthy to be me have moved on to different journeys. That group will always be special and valuable to me, but right now, it’s time for me to start on my own journey – my own rebirth. To find my center and dance to the tribal drums. It’s time to find new circles.