So on the 20th-26th, we’re doing an Ex-Teenpacters exposé. Because TeenPact is just another piece in the conservative christian “culture wars” machine that teaches (or in my case, because most of this wasn’t new, emphasizes) the lies and the wrongness of my past as right and perpetuates misogynistic theology (among other things).

Guest/Anonymous submissions are welcome and Starfury at Between Black and White will be posting them over the course of the week. If you’d like to post on your own blog (like I am) we’ll have a link-up widget over there as well.

I have a feeling that our two stories aren’t the only ones out there, and I think it’s time that we give those a voice.

If you want to submit your story, email us here.

Creating: Working on slowly painting and putting together my Archangel because I just picked up my caster (Lylyth the Herald) and need to build her, but dragon pieces were taking up all the space. It looks badass.

Dragon in progress

Feeling: relieved, and actively un-stressing (which can sometimes be a little stressful, but that’s what Imagine Dragons is for). Yesterday, well, actually since the weekend I’ve felt kind of on the verge of a meltdown between feeling generally overwhelmed with life and secret projects and mother’s day (don’t get me started) – it just didn’t let up until I let myself spill to some people. I don’t know why I suddenly (or not so suddenly) have a hard time telling people who I know care and are there for me that I’m feeling kind of depressed and on the verge of a breakdown. For some reason I feel like I need to take that on alone and it’s only after I break my own walls and admit it out loud (or in text) that I begin to feel better and less overwhelmed.

Playing: WoW – I’m almost almost to cap now! I’m over half-way to level 90, and I have entered the Vale of Eternal Blossoms so I’m actually battling level 90 things and earning more XP, which is great. I also found (finally) the alchemy vendor so I can make potions, and the person who you give the motes of harmony to. So I bought some Golden Lotus because you earn 2-3 XP/Skill with those in alchemy instead of just one. My Alchemy is 590-something now, which is exciting.

Watching: Strip Search! It’s become a habit of mine to draw while watching episodes. In that vein, tomorrow (Thursday 5/16) at 11pm EST I’m going to do a live-stream on KieryGeek with a friend and we’re going to do our version of a strip search challenge, so you should watch it. It auto-saves and posts to youtube too, so it’ll be up again after the fact.

I think, that the secret to going 4 years strong and hopefully not jinxing it is simple.

We love each-other. All of each-other. We embrace that we’re human, and we evolve with each-other in tandem.

Being married has given us both freedom. And so much love. And that’s why we’re strong.

Here’s to infinity.

I struggle and have always struggled with feeling worthless, like I’m nothing more than a broom with a brain and octopus arms for doing my mother’s bidding (or now, cleaning my apartment like there’s no tomorrow). I wonder, sometimes, why I’m not with some asshole of a guy, someone who is manipulative and mean, I wonder why my story is different. Why am I with this guy who’s been nothing but a catalyst of/for freedom and acceptance of me in all my nuances and idiosyncrasies. Who loves me for my intelligence and heart (as well as my boobs)?

I think, it’s because of her. My parents did a lot of lip service to self-worth and not settling for people who don’t treat you right, but they proceeded to treat me horribly. My Gramme?

She is the strongest person I’ve ever known. She was the second-youngest in a huge family, and the “all bad” child in the eyes of her mother (even though, like me, she spent her life slaving away for her family), she was neglected and abused and the most loving, accepting person I’ve ever met. She was brave and unafraid of anything, she was my original escape plan. She was the one, who, by her unconditional love and acceptance instilled in me this sense of I-deserve-to-be-treated-well-by-my-friends (family I was kinda screwed with, but *my* circle, I deserved to create to feel safe in).

She was the type of person who wouldn’t sit quiet if her kids were wrong, if her grandkids were hurt she would fight for them. She was my defender. I knew that if things got bad enough, I could run to her and trust her to protect me (not that I would have, but she was *that* kind of safe place).

When she died I was devastated. I’ve grown up around death – my first funeral was at 6 months old. My great-grandparents have passed, my uncle, two siblings, friends…my Gramme is the only one that still affects me. I still cry and get choked up when I talk and think about her (so I usually try not too, because there’s a huge gaping hole where she should be). Sometimes, 5 years later, I still do a double-take on the street because I see her dopple-ganger. If I were spiritual, I’d take it as a sign that she’s looking at me (instead of just some random elderly lady with the same haircut).

When I think about how she’d feel about me, I feel so so secure in that she’d still love me – that I could still tell her anything and she’d keep it between us, that she’d be supportive, that she’d be proud, she’d tell me I’m brave, and she would understand.

My gramme is the reason that I am so strong. She’s where I got my stubbornness from, she’s where I got my I-will-protect-the-shit-out-of-the-people-I-love-screw-you-if-you-hurt-them impulse, she is why I value acceptance and completely unconditional love.

She is why I am so lucky. Because without her just loving me? I would have been so different. She taught me, without either of us realizing it, that I am worth loving because I am me – that people who don’t accept me for me are not worth my time. And that’s why my marriage looks the way it does, that’s why I’m lucky, that’s why I built a circle of friends who genuinely cared about me, a circle that my family couldn’t penetrate.

I am lucky because as a child, I had a tether – and when all hell broke loose, when the shit hit the fan, when the abuse left crushing and devastating imprints on my soul – I KNEW that someone loved me unconditionally and THAT was right.

That’s why my story is different. That’s why my marriage is actually healthy – the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

How I’ve Felt All Day.