A few months back I actually tried to figure out what my personality type was. It’s been helpful in understanding why I do what I do when I’m not really sure myself. I feel weird in the sense that I can kind of compartmentalize myself and look at myself from the “outside” for a while to figure out exactly what I’m doing in my head. I’m not sure that’s coming out clearly, but it’s the best way I can think of to describe it.

According to my portrait (and this is remarkably accurate):

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

My problem is that while I’m usually very good at focusing and completing things I’m into (and the fact that I know I can do whatever I want to well) I’m into so many things right now that I’m confused as to the order that I should focus on them. Which is exactly why my little corner here has a wide range of topics and isn’t centered around one particular subject.

When I was in school, I had basically *one* thing that I was focused on, one thing that I obsessed over and as I matured it kind of spread. It started out with an obsession over the late 18th century, particularly around the Revolutionary war. In high-school I became obsessed with the history of the founding and how politics has evolved since. I read everything that I could get my hands on about the time period and culture surrounding the events, the documents themselves (I had the sections of the Constitution memorized, I could tell you which bit was in what article and what section) I even had the Federalist and the Anti-Federalist papers so I could read exactly what had gone on while the Constitution was being drafted and what the arguments were. I did studies on the history of the evolution of the political parties and had a very detailed understanding of the election process. I couldn’t get enough of it, I was basically your standard geek/nerd but instead of video games and comics it was history and politics. My blog at the time was *very* focused on all things political, current, and historical.

Life happened and things changed, for the better I think. All of that information is tucked away in some recess of my brain that I pull out when I’m feeling sharky and someone is “wrong on the internet” and I feel qualified enough to comment. Besides that though, I don’t use it. I don’t dream about Patrick Henry giving speeches (thankfully, that was one weird dream) anymore, either.

But I miss that intense focus, and it feels a little weird without it. I’ve learned and been exposed to so many amazing things just over the last few years, things that I missed before and that I’m *so* glad that I’ve found now and can enjoy to my heart’s content.

So many recent discoveries (and not-so recent) that I want to focus on all at the same time (but I’m having such a hard time ordering them!).

Film-making: makeup artistry, acting, costume/wardrobe design, dabbling in screenwriting and all of the pre-production stuff.

Web Design: Started learning with XHTML in 2007, starting to pick it up again and I *love* it – I’d like to get good enough at it that I could actually possibly be paid, and I’d like to focus on wordpress…because I use wordpress and I like being able to customize things and I’d *love* to be able to write a plugin. I have an idea for one, right now it’s just html on my sidebar but I’d love to make some kind of interface for it sometime.

Art: Obviously. I found it again, after abandoning it for years. Painting, dancing, writing, performing. Some of it kinda fits into filmmaking but all of those things just make me feel so alive. Painting is therapeutic and empowering. Something about taking a blank canvas and pouring your soul into it is just kind of…amazing. I struggle with it because it requires things that I can’t always pay for by myself, so I feel guilty and I fight with the urge to make it all about profit to make up for the inability to pay for the materials. Because I just get so much from it, but I feel like I’m not giving anything back.

I danced for 7 years, which is why I’m flexible…but then I stopped, which is why I’m clumsy. Ballet makes me feel strong, *dancing* makes me feel strong and beautiful. My favorite thing to do on the Kinect is the Zen Fitness class on YourShape, because even though I’m not necessarily “dancing” I feel the same way. Strong and graceful, beautiful.

I miss being on stage too. The whole filming thing is kind of great because I’m one of the three cast members (haha) so I kind of get a chance to do that every week now, and when it’s released…well, I have dreams though this particular short isn’t the one that is going to make that, probably. I still think it’s clever.

I’m not good at music, but I’d like to learn. That’s sort of on the back burner. I’m not sure I’ve fully recovered from my one music experience at 5. Suffice it to say, nursing homes are probably not the best place for nervous performing 5 year olds.

Writing however, I do a lot of. Not so many stories though, I haven’t had an idea in a while.

But this whole, vying for my attention thing is kind of why my blog is as schizo as it is. So many things, and I want to do them all and do them all well. But I need to somehow be able to maintain focus and motivation for those (and also personal goals like fitness, hey, I’m 120 for the first time in a year two days in a row!!!). This is my outlet for that, I feel some responsibility this way, to keep going even if it’s a little bit exhausting keeping up with my brain and some things get lost by the wayside (my book, for instance ).

I’ve decided one thing though, well two. One, it’s good that (as useless as I feel occasionally) I have all day every day to work on these skills that hey, might pay off someday, and that my husband is cool and supportive of all of that.

Two, I’m turning March into work-on-my-book-again month that way I’ll have one less thing in the back of my mind that I know I should be doing but I’m a little too tired to do. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll take my focus off of etsy for a while (we’ll see how taxes go) so I can go back to *enjoying* art without guilt and then put up the ones I’m particularly proud of and don’t mind parting with.

I don’t know, so many possibilities. How do I choose???

However, I might be scarce in March. Book launch/finishing and all – maybe that’ll help with the whole “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” feeling too. Time to think, center, focus. I need that.

If you made it to the end of this post without dying of boredom, thank you – you’re awesome.